God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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