you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
