Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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