Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
