No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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