she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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