watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize