Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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