One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
