what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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