If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
