Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
