your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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