So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize