yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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