You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
