Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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