If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
