i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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