I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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