Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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