my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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