been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
