took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
