she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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