So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
