I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
