We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
