I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize