That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
