he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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