I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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