Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
