u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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