My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize