Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
