Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
