I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
