No awkward lesbian experiences without me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
