The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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