u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
