i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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