Someone shit on the floor
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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