you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
