took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Bring me that man meat
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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