The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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