thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
