There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
