Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think your dad took our porno
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
