I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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