My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
