I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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