Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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