Don't make out with my wife yet
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
