I faked an abortion last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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