You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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