if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
