I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
