i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
