i already hear my dad disowning me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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