I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
