I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
