Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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