Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
